Interesting Fall

This has been an interesting fall. With the loss of a leg I have learned the extent of the generosity and kindness of others. I have learned how loving a family can be. I have learned how strong a person can be.
People keep commenting on how I do not seem to be going through any kind of morning process with the loss of my leg. My response is that I did that seven years ago. What I am struggling with is the impact that this process is having on those around me. I watch how my wife struggles not with the burden of caring for the children and home but rather with the burden of those issues when reflected upon through the fear brought about by the implications and risks from my surgery. While she sees the optimism in me and can see the positive change, I know she fears the worst.
I watch my mother buckle in pain as she toils over my children, straining to help me in the effort to care for them while providing the space for my recovery. The recognition of the challenge of caring for two two-year olds, two three-year olds and an energetic nine-year old ever present in her mind, she approached her challenge as a task to accept while viewing my challenge as one to be managed and aided. Her generosity only superseded by her concern.
I see my mother-in-law sacrifice her family time again and again. Week after week she traveled to our home to support me with our children, often providing opportunities for me to retreat to my bed to elevate my leg for hours or to fall asleep in a chair without notice. Meal after meal was prepared; night after night she sat with my son at bedtime.
The kindness of these two women and the men who support them and also gave of their time, energy, effort and love has moved me. I am in awe of the self-sacrifice that these people have made as individuals and as couples. I appreciate it as a family member and as a person.
I have great concern for all of these people, my wife, my mom and dad, and my in-laws. They have each given of themselves in ways that has caused personal loss for my great gain. I do understand their personal choice and that their success is in part connected to my recovery and I am greatly improved by their sacrifice. But I do worry about those around me. My love and appreciation is profound.
My wife is an amazing woman. Through all of this she has had a unique challenge. My family was with me through my initial loss. My friends saw me lose my foot when it had the initial injury. My friends and family have been with me through the last seven years of struggle. My wife has only seen me through the last few years of decay. She has seen me walk and hike on my foot. She has seen me push strollers and carry children on my foot. She has also watched my foot change shades and sizes as the strain of a day caused bruising and swelling. She understood the pain but she never saw the loss. For her the grieving process is taking place now. She is struggling with the concept of my amputation being a choice. She saw me on my foot and struggles with the loss and this transition. As we move through this she knows things will be better as she saw the pain. She knew the pain as well as me as I did a poor job at hiding it from her. While I have been aware of it, she has never imposed her struggle on me. Through all of this she has come along with me and is readily awaiting my prosthetic.
I am amazed by those that I encounter on the street. I have spent ten months on crutches. I have talked with many who are bitter. But I have found the world around me to be kind and supportive. Every door has been held for me. People have gone out of their way to help me. That said I must admit that the structural world is ill equipped to accommodate the physically challenged with doors that are hard to open and bathrooms that are hard to use. Restaurants do not accommodate crutches, I fain to think how they would do with a wheel chair. But despite these inadequacies People go out of their way to over come them.
I have grown. I am still a short while out from having my prosthetic. I am five months out from my surgery and two operations away. I have fought off a major infection and healed some serious wounds, and now find myself looking forward to the next stage of this process. I have a new appreciation of how my body works. I understand my ability to motivate myself and my ability to sit back and take a pass. I know where my breaking point is for so many more things and when I am able to buckle down and keep going. There are so many times in these past few months when I wanted to step back and let others just take care of everything. To put up the crutches and say, “I quit!” but I have learned how to look inside myself, when it really matters, and decide if I have what I need to take the next step. I know I have a lot to improve. I am learning to look for my faults that can be changed and to move past those I can not change. I am setting goals for myself; achievable goals. I am even starting to set limits. So much of this is new. Much of this I have learned from those around me. Much I have learned from myself. Pain is a great teacher. Learning to manage pain is an even greater teacher. Living pain free is liberating. I am free for the first time in years. I am learning to love life like I did seven years ago.
I can not wait for what is next.