growing up

My son and daughters have been talking a lot lately about "when they grow up". I always respond . . ."when I grow up I . . ." I have realized that there is so much to life that we never should stop growing up. we need to keep living life and keep looking forward to what comes next. Seek out every opportunity and grab each day when it comes. When I grow up I will have a big yellow SUV with a sticker that says "Life is Good!" I will play in the sun and I will run like the wind. When I grow up I will tell stories to my kids and to my grand kids and to my great grand kids. I will live each day to its fullest. Why wait?

Interesting Fall

This has been an interesting fall. With the loss of a leg I have learned the extent of the generosity and kindness of others. I have learned how loving a family can be. I have learned how strong a person can be.
People keep commenting on how I do not seem to be going through any kind of morning process with the loss of my leg. My response is that I did that seven years ago. What I am struggling with is the impact that this process is having on those around me. I watch how my wife struggles not with the burden of caring for the children and home but rather with the burden of those issues when reflected upon through the fear brought about by the implications and risks from my surgery. While she sees the optimism in me and can see the positive change, I know she fears the worst.
I watch my mother buckle in pain as she toils over my children, straining to help me in the effort to care for them while providing the space for my recovery. The recognition of the challenge of caring for two two-year olds, two three-year olds and an energetic nine-year old ever present in her mind, she approached her challenge as a task to accept while viewing my challenge as one to be managed and aided. Her generosity only superseded by her concern.
I see my mother-in-law sacrifice her family time again and again. Week after week she traveled to our home to support me with our children, often providing opportunities for me to retreat to my bed to elevate my leg for hours or to fall asleep in a chair without notice. Meal after meal was prepared; night after night she sat with my son at bedtime.
The kindness of these two women and the men who support them and also gave of their time, energy, effort and love has moved me. I am in awe of the self-sacrifice that these people have made as individuals and as couples. I appreciate it as a family member and as a person.
I have great concern for all of these people, my wife, my mom and dad, and my in-laws. They have each given of themselves in ways that has caused personal loss for my great gain. I do understand their personal choice and that their success is in part connected to my recovery and I am greatly improved by their sacrifice. But I do worry about those around me. My love and appreciation is profound.
My wife is an amazing woman. Through all of this she has had a unique challenge. My family was with me through my initial loss. My friends saw me lose my foot when it had the initial injury. My friends and family have been with me through the last seven years of struggle. My wife has only seen me through the last few years of decay. She has seen me walk and hike on my foot. She has seen me push strollers and carry children on my foot. She has also watched my foot change shades and sizes as the strain of a day caused bruising and swelling. She understood the pain but she never saw the loss. For her the grieving process is taking place now. She is struggling with the concept of my amputation being a choice. She saw me on my foot and struggles with the loss and this transition. As we move through this she knows things will be better as she saw the pain. She knew the pain as well as me as I did a poor job at hiding it from her. While I have been aware of it, she has never imposed her struggle on me. Through all of this she has come along with me and is readily awaiting my prosthetic.
I am amazed by those that I encounter on the street. I have spent ten months on crutches. I have talked with many who are bitter. But I have found the world around me to be kind and supportive. Every door has been held for me. People have gone out of their way to help me. That said I must admit that the structural world is ill equipped to accommodate the physically challenged with doors that are hard to open and bathrooms that are hard to use. Restaurants do not accommodate crutches, I fain to think how they would do with a wheel chair. But despite these inadequacies People go out of their way to over come them.
I have grown. I am still a short while out from having my prosthetic. I am five months out from my surgery and two operations away. I have fought off a major infection and healed some serious wounds, and now find myself looking forward to the next stage of this process. I have a new appreciation of how my body works. I understand my ability to motivate myself and my ability to sit back and take a pass. I know where my breaking point is for so many more things and when I am able to buckle down and keep going. There are so many times in these past few months when I wanted to step back and let others just take care of everything. To put up the crutches and say, “I quit!” but I have learned how to look inside myself, when it really matters, and decide if I have what I need to take the next step. I know I have a lot to improve. I am learning to look for my faults that can be changed and to move past those I can not change. I am setting goals for myself; achievable goals. I am even starting to set limits. So much of this is new. Much of this I have learned from those around me. Much I have learned from myself. Pain is a great teacher. Learning to manage pain is an even greater teacher. Living pain free is liberating. I am free for the first time in years. I am learning to love life like I did seven years ago.
I can not wait for what is next.

Prioritites

I have been a way from my computer and blogging space for a while. My life has taken on new priorities and new insights over the past three months. With the amputation of one of my legs, I have come to understand a new balance in the way we do things. I have a large family and I have always held them as a priority in the scope of my work. But I now see that the security space that I work in is really about doing a job. I think that we all need to keep on top of security and make sure that the threats that we face are addressed head on, but, and I also send this message out to those that waist their time creating those threats, at the end of the day we need to make time for ourselves and our families. A good night sleep, time with the kids, sitting out looking at the stars are all important things we can not give up locked in server rooms and stale basements. Remember what is important in your life.

Piety

What is the meaning of innocence in a world that tramples the innocent
And lifts up the self-righteous?
All around us we see humble and honest people
Pushed to the bottom of the pile
While those that would manipulate others and the world around
Succeed and prosper. Is there a reword in this humility?
Is the comfort in  piety the solace and serenity that will bring joy to the lives
Of these individuals? What of the after?
Will they be those that prosper and flourish?
Where is the balance?
Where is the judgment? Is it in each of us?
I ask this to find this balance in myself. My search is to find my own piety
Of which I have lost.
I search now to find peace and fairness.
Where are you?

Value of a parachute

A number of years ago I went through an exercise with a book called "What Color is Your Parachute?" It walked me through the process of figuring out what kind of people I liked to work with. What kind of industry I liked to work in, It covered all sorts of topics of this sort. When all was said and done it helped me to redefine my career and start down a new path. I find that this is a process that is worth going through on a regular basis as our goals in life change and our situation in life changes as well. I also find that the value of this parachute is un-measureable. Being adrift in a career or in life is a costly and painful place to be. having the support or knowledge of where you want to go in your life and knowing what your motivators are helps to drive you with everything you do. It helps make every action you take in every aspect of your day that much more rewarding.

When I did my first parachute I was a single professional looking for a good group of people to work with. While money was important to me it was not my primary motivator. Today I am a family man and income if a motivator for me as I need to be able to support my family. Benefits: health insurance, vacation, commute, and flexible schedules, all come in to play where I was more concerned about tuition benefits and co-workers before. I also find that my parachute is also looking to community and other aspects of my life where as before it was almost entirely job focused. I am now looking at what other aspects of my life need to be entwined into my career. My interests have changed and It is more important to consider what it is that my job is supporting.

As I think about all of this I realize just how important it is to look at my security and my focus as I shape my life moving forward. Our economy, our world is in a dynamic and exciting time. For many, myself included, it is full of stress and anxiety. This is an important time to look at where we are and where we want to be. Use this time to build the platform to be ready for what tomorrow will bring. Know yourself as best you can for only then will you be able to land on your feet as you step forward into this new era.

God's guidance

I often wonder how we manage to get through a day. I work in security and struggle with much of what i see around me. I have become a security engineer and have come to realize that I would be better suited in a smaller organization where i can focus on a broader spectrum of security issues. I have a family facing countless struggles but none that any other family might not face and I personally feel ill prepared to guide them through this chapter of our lives; yet they are needing guidance. i find myself apathetic to many aspects of my life. I drift through initiatives that require drive and motivation. With all of this I reach out now calling for the grace of God to lend his graceful guiding hand. With his guidance perhaps I may find new life, wisdom and enthusiasm to drive me forward with life's offerings. I challenge each of you to invite God to guide you through your challenge today.